Follow turdwords on Twitter

Currently 12,351 words
Ask TurdWords
Stall Scrawl
Turdwords Quiz
Word Factory

Ask Turdwords Volume 23 Ask Turdwords Volume 23  View all volumes
Greetings Turdwords fans, ladies, gentlemen, and troubled youths. It's been a long while since I've answered any questions and the mail bag was overflowing.

I survived that run in with the automobile. I had a scratch and bruise on my ass for about a week, but otherwise I came back a little wiser.

Things are cooking at Turdwords. We've got a ton of new words, traffic is up, and revenue is rolling in -- so it is nice to be in the black again.

No small thanks to you constant reader...

So without further ado, let's begin this process of taking care of any questions that might be troubling your puny brains.

As usual, if you want to ask us question, simply submit it here: Ask Turdwords!


If I was to place nineteen old candles inside my urethra and sing nursery rhymes all night long, then eat six oranges (including the peel) and fart on baseball cards in a church confessional booth for four and a half hours, what would that be called?
Jango, Australia
Good question. This one is well beyond my megapowers, so I suggest you call the fine folks at this Austrialian Newspaper and letting them know. That way when they commmit you to a mental hospital, we'll know for sure.

Just be prepared to do a lot of Memory Pulls in the ward... you won't get lucky there at all.

Dear Turdwords, When watching porn with my friend, is it gay to jerk each other off as long as we dont look at each other while doing it? He says the only thing that qualifies an act as gay is if the scrotums touch. Thank you! I love your site. I want you to know that I've lost 3 jobs in the last 2 years for reading Turdwords at my desk. As a result ny wife left me and took my daughter with her. Was it worth it? Hell yeah!
Spoogebob, Mineeapolis MN
Come on dad, I always get so embarassed when you write in. How do you think it makes me and Johnny feel seeing you like this? It's tough supporting mom on the wages from Turdwords now that you are gone...

But dad, clearly this is a gay act. The only time it is all right to touch another man's penis is if you are a doctor (or you are Uncle Ted). Given your current employment status, I'd say this is not the case.

So your little Wankathon is clearly gay in my book and mom says it's gross.

Have you ever heard of a bamboo steamer (not a cooking item)? If so what is it. These tools on a morning show on a local radio station made a big deal about it but I've never heard of it. Any info?
Jack M, FL
Nope. I did a search for it and all I came back with was a cooking utensil. Perhaps a fellow Turdword-ite could send us the defition or have the jokers at the radio station drop us a line. We'd give them credit for the word too.

I am currently on "the downlow"! I was having some erotic thoughts about my Dad. I consider him much more than a Dad. He is more like my lover. I get jealous when my Mom gets fresh with him and I want to confront her because I feel she is cock blocking me in a way. What should I do guys?
noni mous
Well, it doesn't look like you are going to steal your dad from your mom unless your mom truly treats him like crap. I suggest getting your mom and dad drunk and then trying to a three some with them. Hopefully your dad is Quimby and you can give him all the attention you can.

If you'll excuse me, I think am going to have a Technicolor Yawn just the thought of this is making me sick.

How come my wife's pee doesn't smell as much as mine when we eat asparagus?
Oral Robert, North Tonawanda NY
What, you not happy with your Emerald Shower? It sounds like she is stepping out on you bud and using those special scents on someone else.

I suggest you perform a Liquid Fence the next time you do a Golden Shower. It always worked for my dad....

I was having anal sex with my girlfriend, and it was getting really intense. I mean i was rammin that sucker like there was no tommorrow! and all of the sudden she shit all over everything. My dick, it went everywhere. What the hell? why did she do this? she said she didnt even feel it coming!
Nathan the guy with bad luck
Sounds like you were really plowing her Rusty Sheriff's Badge a little too hard.

Let's face it, you stick your Flesh Oozie in there and start ramming it, poop is likely to come out. You are lucky you didn't find a corn-wallace on the end of your penis.

May I suggest your girlfriend use an ass marine prior to playing Back Door Bingo.

What is a Hot Karl?... Ive heard different definitions.
Turd Mangler
There's several defintions of a Hot Carl. I am the opinion it is definition #1. Defintion #3 resembles: Hot Lunch and defintion #2 resembles a Glass Bottom Boat.

The general gist, though, of anything 'Hot' is that you are pooping on someone. So long as you use Hot Carl in the venicular, you should be good to go.

what is a rattlesnake wiggle
West Naptown
My first guess when you asked what that meant, I figured something to do with a penis. Men often refer to their puds as Rattlesnakes, in a macho way. Therefore, I'd like to think it meant either a) shaking your penis after using the urinal b) the spasms a penis may make after achieving orgasm.

Rattlesnake Wiggle.

It should be remembered that the boys at Motley Crue had a song called 'Rattlesnake Shake', which loosely implied sex.

I heard the phrase, "pearl neckless", last week in reference to some sort of sexual act. Any ideas what this is? Only thing I can figure is that it means to blow it on a girls neck.
Definitely, you can find the definition for Pearl Necklace here. It was also made famous by the band ZZ Top which in a toungue in cheek way, refer to the sexual act.

how up in a woman does a 12 inch dick go
This joke is about as old as how the chicken crossed the road -- the answer is as far as she'll let you.

what is it call when u cum in someone and then suck the cum out
bill in cleveland
Felching. Spit it back into someone's else's mouth and it's called Snowballing. Both very common words.

What's it called when a chic is sucking your dick and pukes on you?
Paul Va Beach
There are a bunch of words for this occurence, which thankfully has never happened to me, but the simplest definition is: Puke Duke.

when someone calls you a cakehole what does it mean
deb in illinois
Your cakehole is depreciating term for your mouth -- like "I hope he chokes on that hotdog when he shoves it down his cakehole".

Cakehole, in a slightly different way, might mean they are calling you either: fat (you are eating a lot), an asshole (the other obvious hole in your body), or obnoxious.

i went to a party last night and i hooked up with this girl, i fucked around with her twice you know and i was just wondering if i had dry nut on my hand from before if it could get her pregnant when i fingered her later that night. i dont think it would happen but im jsut worried you know, and i was just wondering what you thinka bout it. Im sure the chances are pretty low cause she never had her jeans off you know and like 4 hours went bye before we messed around again. what do you think? thanks DUNGA DUNGA FRIED KITTY CAT, MEOW!
joe in mcwane at Lynchburg college
No, you can't get her pregnant. Your DNA Slurpee doesn't live long out in the cold air. It's looking for a warm clamwich to inhabit. Let's face it, if your spermies didn't die soon after exposure to air, your sister would likely be pregnant after all the times you Pumped-n-Dumped on your toilet.

Next time use a Nob Sock and you won't have to worry about shit like that.

Well, that was fun. Time to hit the hay and read. I am an early riser thanks to my Morning Glory. See you next time and keep the questions and words coming!


About Turdwords.com   Contact Us   Link to Us   Privacy Policy